I have 11 days sober right now. Eleven fucking days. Initially, it was missing whiskey in the morning but the last 2 days I’ve moved onto craving gin and tonic like hellfire everytime anything even remotely stressful arises. Remotely stressful is all the damned time around here. My 3-year-old is a difficult child. I also have this nagging feeling like I am going to fail as an “entertainer” without it. That I will fail to be amusing and capture your attention sober.
Sadly my drinking being entertaining has helped feed a problem I already had. I made it a joke and gave me an excuse. Ya, it’s hilarious that I’m shit faced right now, has anyone looked at their watch? it’s 11am. The last 4 months I have gotten completely out of control again. Drinking 4 shots of whiskey in your 2 cups of coffee is not a normal or ok way to start the day. Follow that up with another cup or two, lunch and some gin and toics, a couple of beers for the camera and yeah, I’m good and lit. It started to hit me on my trip to FL that I may be drinking too much again while I sat up in my fancy hotel and I downed an entire bottle of Bombay in a day without an issue.
On my way home I got so loaded I did know where I was, almost missed a flight. There’s more to that, a lot more. Stuff I don’t know how to talk about though. Basically, I let myself slip into this dark place where I let people use me and hurt me because I am too fucked up to care. I come out of it with all this self-hate. And I did this for so many years as a teen. I won’t do it again. Absofuckinglutly not. Not for anything.
So I made the choice before I even stepped foot in my house I was done again for awhile until I felt like I could get myself under control. I went a lot of years only drinking beer as a rule. And that was for good reason. I lack this shut-off switch most people have when it comes to drinking. I use it as a mask and a crutch, even though it may look fun, after the first glass it’s all business.
I will get back to having a beer again after a while. But only when I feel like I can handle it. Now is not the time. I still have a lot of work to do on my self-worth. So much work. It’s easy to get caught up in all positivity of my life, the kind of show I put on every day and forget that I have some things I am still working on.
Cheers to 11 days in. I come from a LONG line of alcoholics and addicts. I won’t go out like that, I’ve beat too much to get where I am in life already. It’s a lifelong battle for me. All of it. There will never be a day, a place or time I don’t think in the back of my mind things wouldn’t be better if I wasn’t drunk or high. I just have to beat that. Remind myself that I am better than that feeling. It’s fucking hard and I wish to god I didn’t have to deal with this. If I could take back anything at all in my life it would be this. I would never have touched drugs or alcohol.