So my self esteem is about at bottom right now. Rock bottom.
People would get this idea by watching me online that I’m an extremely confident person. I’m not. Just really really good at not giving a fuck. In all reality I will always struggle with feeling worthy. Worthy of more, worthy of things I want.
So when I open myself up to a possibility of feeling worthy and I’m shot down it hurts like hell. I’ve lived most of my life not allowing anyone in. If I am totally honest with myself I just keep it all in, pushed down beneath everything so their isn’t any disappointment.
I don’t know which is worse at the end of the day.
So why am I feeling like shit? well I put myself out there and I got burned. Really fucking burned. I wanted to meet up with one of my followers that I’ve been chatting with for months. He happens to live right near my brother so I asked if he wanted to meet up. By all accounts the guy is obsessed with me. Seriously. By all means I am above his level in looks. I was amused with him because he has such an interesting career.
So he has blown me off. We were supposed to hang out tonight. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with me?? Am I not good enough. Does he think I’m too trashy to go out with or something? I don’t get it.
I also don’t get not being given the respect to say something. I guess I’m not even worth that.
It sucks to open yourself up a little and learn it’s not good enough.
Whatever. I’m working on my first bottle of wine tonight instead. Fuck me I guess. I’m pretty good at drinking away my problems.