Sex With New Men
Last night. Oh last night. I didn’t know what to expect, so I didn’t. I went into it with a nervous, but open mind. I don’t know how I feel about it. Out of all the scenarios I would have expected it ended up being totally different.
He was mostly as I had expected as a person with the very little I to go off of. Way way too sweet for my tastes. Defiantly damaged goods, probably in more ways than he’d ever admit to himself. Sadly we probably have a lot in common, and I tend to find these people for some fucking reason. These other people with childhood issues, addiction problems, very much not emotionally stable people. I swear they are attracted to me.
I haven’t slept with many men. Less than 5. So I do not have much experience to base off of. Last night was not what I was hoping for if I am being totally honest. I didn’t get thrown up against the wall and taken by this big gorgeous man.
He was sensual, took his time, caressed, held. He was in search. I’m not sure of what. But I let myself go enough to be with him. Be present. Touch and hold him, because I think that is what he needed, even if it wasn’t what I wanted.
There is something special about holding a grown man. I don’t know if I have ever done it before. The experience was serene, in a weird way, and I am glad to have had it. I feel like it opened a part of my mind I don’t usually allow myself to enter. It made me very uncomfortable. But most of the time our biggest growth comes when we allow ourselves to enter those uncomfortable places and exist for a moment. Figure out maybe we will survive it.
So I spent the night, holding, being held. I hadn’t planned on if I would or not. It felt right. So I did. If I had to choose again, I would do the same. I loved every moment of it. I think part of the growth that is to come out of this for me is finding out what other people need and being that. Actually being present in moments that would make me uncomfortable.
I don’t know if I will ever see or talk to him again. And I am fine with that. The moment in our lives that we shared, and gave to each other was awesome. There doesn’t need to be anything more. I will take it with me and keep those moments.